Telly Savalas : If
Telly Savalas hit #1 in the UK in 1975 with his 1974 spoken word, smooth as fuck version of the Bread classic "If". Did he know how God awful this was? I've learned never to underestimate the intelligence of a successful actor so I'm guessing he was.
# 4 Gary Glitter : Remember Me This Way
What a remarkably lifeless Top 10 UK single! Sounds like a star who has run out of gas. Of course Glitter's well documented problems are still years away.
#3 Bimbo Jet : El Bimbo
Euro-disco at its worst. Released in 1974, the tune swept through Europe topping charts first in Bimbo Jet's home country of France then in Spain, Italy, Denmark and others before it narrowly missed becoming a Top 40 hit in the US.
#2 Donny and Marie Osmond I'm Leaving It (All) Up To You
Let's ignore the incestuous overtones of a brother and sister singing about whether they want each other's love, and just rank this #2 because of the awful syrupy string section. What in God's name propelled this into the Top 10 on both sides of the Atalantic?
#1 Paul Anka : (You're) Having My Baby
Not sure what's more creepy: the whole "seed inside you" concept or the graphic abortion allusions in the bridge"
Despite protests from the National Organization of Women, who gave Anka their annual "Keer Her in Her Place" Award, "(You're) Having My Baby" knocked Paper Lace from the Top Spot on the Billboard Hot 100. And you sure as shit know it wasn't the men who were buying this 45. Anka has always said the song is a "personal statement of a man caught up in the affection and joy of childbirth". Eventually he would make one small concession to Women's Lib: singing "having our baby" in future concerts
Bonus Turd: Anka's Nirvana cover