40 Year Itch: The Worst Singles of 1974

 Telly Savalas : If

"People know that singing is not my bag, but if I say 'Hey, this is how Telly feels about this or that song,' I can't make mistakes. I can only make mistakes by pretending to be a great singer."

   Telly Savalas hit #1 in the UK in 1975 with his 1974  spoken word, smooth as fuck version of the Bread classic "If". Did he know how God awful this was? I've learned never to underestimate the intelligence of a successful actor so I'm guessing he was.

Bonus Turd!

# 4 Gary Glitter : Remember Me This Way

What a remarkably lifeless Top 10 UK single! Sounds like a star who has run out of gas. Of course Glitter's well documented problems are still years away.

#3 Bimbo Jet : El Bimbo

Euro-disco at its worst. Released in 1974, the tune swept through Europe topping charts first in Bimbo Jet's home country of France then in Spain, Italy, Denmark and others before it narrowly missed becoming a Top 40 hit in the US.

#2 Donny and Marie Osmond  I'm Leaving It (All) Up To You

Let's ignore the incestuous overtones of a brother and sister singing about whether they want each other's love, and just rank this #2 because of the awful syrupy string section. What in God's name propelled this into the Top 10 on both sides of the Atalantic?

#1 Paul Anka : (You're) Having My Baby

"The need inside you I see it showin' Oh the seed inside you baby do you feel it growin'"

Not sure what's more creepy: the whole "seed inside you" concept or the graphic abortion allusions in the bridge"

"Didn't have to keep it Wouldn't put ya through it You could have swept it from you life But you wouldn't do it No, you wouldn't do it"

Despite protests from the National Organization of Women, who gave Anka their annual "Keer Her in Her Place" Award,  "(You're) Having My Baby" knocked Paper Lace from the Top Spot on the Billboard Hot 100. And you sure as shit know it wasn't the men who were buying this 45. Anka has always said the song is a "personal statement of a man caught up in the affection and joy of childbirth". Eventually he would make one small concession to Women's Lib: singing "having our baby" in future concerts

Bonus Turd: Anka's Nirvana cover